Odd Job Akatsuki
by Rated NC-17 Superstar
Summary: Akatsuki has fallen on some hard times and financial issues. Their leader has only one idea to stop them from going bankrupt: Odd Job Akatsuki.
1. Story One: The Plot

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 

"That was _so_ awesome! Did you see me? Didja see me get it sempai? Didja?"

"Hmm shut up already! I heard you the first five hundred times... yeah."

"That was _so_ awesome!"

"I get it! Hmm... besides, I did most of the work... yeah."

Tobi hung his head. Underneath the mask was an expression that of pleading. "Deidaraaaaa sempaaaii... I helped out too."

Deidara rolled his eyes. "You spent most of the time complimenting our enemies on how strong they were... yeah... I doubt they needed the confidence boost." he brushed his hair to the side, and continued trying to wipe the blood from his cloak, "And in the end, it was my artistic inspiration that killed them anyhow."

Tobi nodded enthusiastically. "You made them go boom!"

Deidara shrugged. "Well, you know, you can't have a masterpiece without... dodging a few random bodyparts blown at you. And stop moving around so much, do you want to fall off?"

Tobi stopped. "Sorry..." he apologized sincerely. He inched a bit more towards the center of the clay bird and tried not to make such a comotion. "I had heard that Konoha's ANBU squad were all elites. But you seemed to breeze past them rather quickly sempai!"

"Well, not everyone is as gifted as I am... yeah." Deidara said, rather proudly. He stretched his arms up in the air and yawned.

"AAHHHHHHHH!" Tobi screamed.

"What?!" Deidara quickly spun around, preparing his clay quickly as well. Tobi was looking straight ahead.

"We almost hit a poor birdy!"

"But it's okay. It moved!"

"What?"

Deidara felt like pushing him off the bird. No one would ever have to know.

"Hehehehe, I'll bet sempai would have blown the poor birdy straight out of the sky."

"... Hey Tobi, what's that behind you? Lean over to get a better look... yeah."

> 

"Judging by the lack of another 'traveling companion', I'll assume your mission to capture the seven tails was unsuccessful?"

"Tsk. We ran into trouble... yeah."

"Deidara-sempai pushed me off the bird!"

"Oh hush, you missed the giant rock spike, didn't you?"

"By hitting the tree branch and falling into the burning hot springs face first!"

"You should be glad you're alive... yeah."

Pein shook his head. These two...

"Focus. What happened?"

"The seven tails wasn't there. Your intel was incorrect. Or it's moved on. And we ran into the ANBU... yeah."

Pein put a hand to his forehead. "How many?"

"There... there was ten of them! _Ten_! And I killed one!" Tobi jumped up and down excitedly.

"And only one... yeah." Deidara added silently.

"Sempaaaaiiiiiiii..." Tobi whined.

Pein rolled his eyes. This was a setback. "I'll look into it. And kill the source. This is twice we've been unsuccessful."

"Twice?"

"Itatchi and Kisame came back empty handed."

"Hmm..."

"I'll have Hidan inform you two on when and where your next target is. Until then, you two have the time to yourselves."

Pein turned around to leave. Before he did, he called back; "And Deidara, get that bomb off of Tobi's back."

**"WHAT****?!"**

"Awww shit... yeah."

> 

Deidara adjusted the scope that covered his left eye before turning his attention back to Itachi. The Uchiha had the same blank expression on his face; the expression of someone who knows something about something that he shouldn't know, but he only knows the something because the someone who knows the something wants him to know the something. Or something. Hell, Deidara didn't know. All he knew is that look could get quite annoying.

"So, your target got away from you, Itachi-san?"

"It didn't get away. It would have required to be in our posession for that to happen."

"So you were unable to capture it then?"

"No. That would require us being able to find it. But our information was wrong."

Deidara grabbed Itachi's arm and pulled him to the side before he walked into a wall. "Honestly Uchiha, you need to stop using the mangekyou sharingan so much. You're going blind... yeah."

Itachi cleared his throat and had a look of confidence to his face. "My eyesite is just fine, thank you very much."

Deidara shrugged and sighed. "Keep denying it. I swear we caught you pissing in Zetsu's head. I don't think using your 'I thought it was a toilet' excuse will work again... yeah."

Itachi only replied with a grunt.

"Where's Kisame?"

"What am I, his babysitter? That oversized fish is probably-"

"... yes?"

There was no reply.

"Itachi?"

Deidara stopped and looked around. He heard an annoyed grunt from behind, and spun around to see Itachi walking up, rubbing his head with his arm. He had walked into a pole.

"Heh heheh heh heh..."

"Y'know what? Shut the fuck up. That pole is very hard to see and dangerous. I'm going to petition to have it removed."

"And bring down the entire cavern on our heads?"

"No, _you're_ stupid!"

"... what?"

"What?"

Deidara blinked in confusion as he stopped at his door. "O..kay, I'll see you later Itachi-san."

Itachi nodded and headed off. "I win..." he mumbled to himself.

> 

"You _ate_ my cat?!"

"It looked like a worm..."

"A four legged oversized worm with fur?!"

These sounds didn't forbode well for Itatchi. He thought twice about entering the room, but in the end decided he had to anyways. The TV was in there...

He entered the room to see Tobi yelling at Kisame. Or at least he figured it was them. He just saw an orange blur and a black and red blur mixed with a long white blur. 'I should look into contacts...'

"I said I was sorry!"

"You are a _fish_! Fish don't even _eat_ cats!"

"I am not a fish!"

"Okay then, **YOU'RE A TALKING FISH**!"

"That wasn't very nice."

"My poor fluffy..."

Itatchi sighed. "Would you two keep it down? I want to watch TV."

"Oh shut up Itatchi. You can't even see the damn TV." Kisame replied.

"My eyesite is fine!"

"Itatchi-san! Kisame ate my cat!"

"So I gathered..." Itatchi took a seat in a recliner. A recliner with teeth. He had never seen a recliner with-

"Kindly remove your buttocks off of my face." Zetsu said in a warning tone to Itatchi. Though Itatchi couldn't make it out. It was kinda muffled.

But, Itatchi _did_ know that when your chair starts talking; that's not a good sign.

Itatchi got up and looked down at Zetsu, who's head was popping out of the floor. "Geez Uchiha, how big has your ass got?"

"Shut up, I'm still carrying some holiday weight. Lay off."

"Geez, now I've seen both ends of y-"

"**LAY OFF**!"

Itatchi stormed out the door, slamming it behind him. Zetsu ran over and opened the door, shouting after Itatchi.

"**GET GLASSES UCHIHA! I'M STILL TRYING TO GET THE URINE SMELL OFF MY FACE**!"

"**SHUT UP**!"

> 

"So you're saying we're completely out of money?"

"Not completely, but close. We have around two hundred fifty left; we spent close to a thousand repairing the left wing after Sasori's cremation."

"Ah... right... the fire... who knew his body was _that_ flammable? You'd think a puppeter would be smart enough to make his puppets fireproof." Pein sighed. "Especially when that puppet is his own body..."

"Regardless Pein, we're going to need to do something, and fast. We barely have enough money to cover food expenses..."

Pein sighed again and sat down on his couch, He reached lazily for the remote and turned on his TV.

"Pein?"

"I'm thinking."

It was more like he was watching the news, but she knew better than to point it out.

Meanwhile on the news, the anchorman was doing a special report.

"-_the third graders have been working hard as of late to raise the money necessary to save their schoolyard. From mowing lawns to cleaning houses and watering plants to walking dogs, their little odd jobs have gotten them only two thousand dollars short of their twenty thousand dollar goal_."

Pein's eyes lit up.

"_Other odd jobbers have momentarily surrendered their jobs to the kids until they meet their goal. Isn't that charity_?"

Pein's lips slowly formed into a smile. "That's it... that's it!"

"What?"

Pein jumped up and ran to hug the TV. "Gather all members imediatly! I have an idea!"

> 

"We're going to _what_?!" Hidan asked.

"Odd Job Akatsuki!" Pein replied triumphantly and with pride, "We're going to do all sorts of Odd Jobs around to raise our funding for the Akatsuki organization."

Kakuzu hung his head. "And here I thought we'd do something outside the realms of retardedness..."

"Be quiet Kakuzu, not only will this idea give us a steady flow of income, but it will solve other problems as well." Pein said.

"Such as?"

"Odd Jobs are halfway a service to the community! By doing the jobs those fools don't want to do, we raise a good name for ourselves! When people think Akatsuki, they'll think 'Oh, those were those kind people who mowed mah lawn the otha' day. Thems was some fine little boys'." Pein puffed his chest out proudly. "And once we've established a good name for ourselves and raised enough money, our later plans will be easier to accomplish since they'll never suspect us!"

"They _already_ suspect us... yeah."

"Shut up Deidara. Either way, we're in a financial crisis right now. We don't have much of choice." Pein scanned the room. "So, **WHO'S WITH ME**?!"

"..." there was silence.

"...Come on!"

"Err, gee Pein. I'd _love_ to, but err... mowing lawns is... against my religion..." Hidan mumbled out.

"Oh bullshit, if that's even true than you can walk dogs or something."

"Dogs are our anti-christ."

"Stop making shit up."

"Actually, that one is true..."

"And I'd love to, but... I'm need to judge a... bikini contest... in the cloud country!"

"You can't even see a pole, let alone a chick in a bikini dumbass!" Kisame called out.

"**MY EYESITE IS FINE**!"

"Give it _up_ Itatchi, we all saw you a third away from doing it with that homeless guy!" Pein shot back.

"Hey! In my defense, it was very foggy, and he had very big moobs!"

"Erk _don't_ - tell us that!" Zetsu said with a groan.

"... I had wondered what that weird bulge was coming through his-"

"**SHUT UP**!" everyone shouted at once.

"Look, it doesn't matter anyways. I'm your leader, and I order you all to participate."

Everyone moaned.

"Alright then, so let's all stop moaning and-... Deidara, get your hand out of your pants."

"W-What? I wasn't-"

"Look, what you do in your free time-"

"Oh shut up!"

> 

End notes; Yup, Akatsuki's run into some tough times. Thanks for taking time to read chapter one. Please review and let me know if it's okay and I should continue, or if it sucks and I should let it die


	2. Story Two: The Jobs

Pein handed out sheets of paper to each Akatsuki member. "These are your jobs for the day. It is imperative that you _memorize_ the information stated on each piece of paper, and then eat the paper." 

Everyone stared at him.

"To prevent an information leak." he explained.

"Erm, what information? I doubt anyone would even care." Hidan replied, "And besides, couldn't we just burn the paper?"

Pein opened his mouth to reply, but stopped. "Well... I suppose... you... could..."

"**I ATED ALL OF MINE**!"

"Did you memorize it Tobi?"

"Ummm... if memorize is... frech for 'swallow'!"

"Damnit Tobi! Those were the last prints of paper I had! Do you have _any _idea how much it cost to make copies at Kinkos?!" Pein slapped his head. "You know, forget it. Just go with Zetsu."

"Yay!" Shouted Tobi.

"Fuck!" Shouted Zetsu.

"Just mentioning, but aren't Odd Jobs when the _clients _pick what you do?" Deidara asked.

Pein stared at Deidara.

Deidara stared at Pein.

Pein stared at Deidara.

Deidara stared at Pein.

SMACK!

"Ow, the hell was that for?!"

"For asking stupid questions!"

"You just mean questions you don't know the answers to!"

SMACK!

"**SON OF A BITCH**!"

> 

"Y'know, I don't think this is such a good idea..."

"Shut up. It's a great idea."

"But maybe we should-"

"Shut up Kisame! This is the faster and much more efficient way!" Itatchi flipped up his collar. "Besides, it was my idea. And I'm a Uchiha. And Uchiha's are always right."

"Not about the homeless..." Kisame mumbled.

"What was that?"

"I said this is retarded!"

"Will you just trust me already? It's going to work fine." Itatchi pointed to the massive ammount of lawn they were ordered to cut. If the trim was satisfactory, their rank A client, Mrs. Crumblebee, would pay the organization a lump sum of five dollars that would imediatly be invested in future endeavors... such as a lawn mower.

Itatchi turned his head to Kisame. "We don't have a lawn mower, and cutting the grass with our kunai will take all day. But _my_ solution will cut down the time a hundreds fold. I'll use the Goukakyuu no Jutsu to _burn _the grass, and when it's short enough, you can douse the flames with your water! It's foolproof!"

" 'Foolproof' having the meaning that even a fool could prove you wrong..." Kisame replied with a snort.

"Oh hush, you're just upset you didn't think of it first." Itatchi performed the hand seals required for the Goukakyuu no Jutsu and inhaled deeply.

"Wait!"

COUGH HACK COUGH "_Dude_! Not when I'm inhaling!" Itatchi tried to catch his breath while he reperformed the hand seals and inhaled again...

"But just-"

Itatchi let out the breath slowly. Dangerously slow. "Open your tuna-ass mouth _one more time_ and I'm going to have you chopped up by sushi chefs for the next thirty six hours!"

"I just think you sho-"

"No no no! I'm the brains here! You're the brawn! You do the muscle, I do the thinking." Itatchi pointed to what he thought was his head.

"...that's your nose."

"Oh be quiet." Itatchi once more performed the hand seals and this time let out the breath of fire before Kisame got a word in. The grass blazed up in crimson burning flames as black smoke filled the air.

"Itatchi! Look!" Kisame pointed at something among the flames.

Itatchi strained his eyes to see what Kisame was pointing at. It was bad enough that Kisame's finger looked like a blue hot dog to his sight, but the smoke didn't help him to see anything better. But just by the shape of the blur, he could recognize a propane tank when he saw one.

"Oh, **SHI**-"

BOOM!

> 

Itatchi looked up in surprise after what he _assumed _to be the worst of the blast. Kisame had fallen over on top of him and Itatchi heard him moan in pain. Itatchi looked up slowly.

"Oh... my... God..."

The blast had taken out the whole back yard and most of the front yard. Not to mention Mrs. Crumblebee's house was completely blown up, except for the tiny bit of it that was indeed burning like hell. And the neighbors house. And the shed out back. And the little kid unfortunate enough to be riding his bicycle when a blind man decided to play with fire.

Kisame slowly got up to a sitting position and looked at the remains of the blast. "Well... I suppose it could have been worse..."

At that, there was a small blast and a roof shingle from the neighbors house flew over their heads, where they watched it fly behind them, and hit the car across the street, which had a can of gasoline inside it.

BOOM!

The car blew up, and the fire spread to the three surrounding houses.

Then the sounds of sirens in the distant hit their ears.

"Oh shit, _run_!" Itatchi yelled, stumbling to his feet with Kisame soon behind him.

"Granny? Is... is that you?" a little kid said weakly from his position on the sidewalk, covered in ashes. "I see a bright li-" He was cut off.

Itatchi ran over his head.

> 

"Yup. It's them gophers. Thems been gettin' into mah carrot fields I reckon. Yup."

Deidara shook his head. This country bumpkin could finish a sentence at the speed a snail could take a nap.

"I thought rabbits ate carrots? Yeah..."

"No, it ain't thah rabbits. Yup. It's them damnded gophers. Theys ated my boots a week ago. Yup."

Deidara raised an eyebrow. "Gophers... ate your boots... yeah."

The old farmer nodded his head at the speed of a grocery cart going uphill. "It was bait. Yup. I maded me a gopher trap. Yup. Was gonna bait them in with mah shoes and turn'em intah the authoritahs. Yup. Butsa theys ate my shoes, then theys slasheded the tires of the police vehicle. Yup."

Deidara ate the last slice of pizza he ordered when the farmer started his sentence. "For the love of God man, _must _you say 'Yup' in every sentence? Do you have _any _idea how annoying it is to agree with yourself in _every _sentence?... yeah."

The farmer walked over towards the corn field, where Deidara saw a small plot of carrots growing. Just outside of the fence was a small hole leading underground. The farmer spat some tobacco next to the hole and pointed at it. "Yup. I reckons that there's where theys livin'. Right on mah property too. Yup. I think there's a whole family livin' down there. Yup. Might take you a while to get them all. Yup."

BOOM!

An explosion came from underneath the ground. The old farmer stumbled back in surprise as dirt clods flew everywhere and a bit of dirt hit his face.

All around, gopher bodies were raining from the sky.

Deidara moved next to the farmer and nodded in the same slow monotone the farmer did. "Wells, I reckons that there takes care of your gopher problem. Yup. Now if you could giddy-yap on down there to yer checkbook and gives me the ten dollahs you promised, I'd be happier than a pig with a trough full of slop... yup."

The farmer eyed him angrily. "No one likes a smartass, son."

> 

Hidan sighed and scratched the back of his head. "Great... dog walking..." he turned to Kakuzu. "Y'know, I wasn't lying when I said they're my religions anti-christ. This is _way _too sacriligious..."

Kakuzu tried to fight the feeling, but couldn't. "_Why _are they your religions anti-christ?"

Hidan shrugged. "According to the Dieble (their religions version of the Bible) when the first of our faith walked the earth, it was a time of prosperity and riches. Almost every person alive had some form of gems and gold on their person at all time, and _everyone _flaunted their wealth. But then, it happened..."

Kakuzu waited for him to continue.

And waited...

And waited...

"Ugh, _what _happened?"

Hidan smiled. "There was a dog king, the most evil of the kind. He longed for the blood of others. _But _he _only _went for member of our religion, since our God has the tail of a cat. He _loated _cats, being a dog and all." Hidan almost shuddered. "Our first leader was walking around innocently, when the dog king found him. He hunted him into a corner... then... then..."

"Then...?" Kakuzu prodded.

"The dog lowered his nose to our leaders pants... and... and..." a smile creeped onto Hidans face. "He **BIT HIS JEWELS**!"

Kakuzu sighed loudly.

Hidan had a ridiciously stupid smile on his face. "Get it?! Pants?! Jewels?! _Bit _his jewels?!"

"**I GET IT**! Ugh, I knew I shouldn't have asked..."

Hidan laughed like crazy. "Oh oh oh, Kakuzu, he hold plenty of our religious artifacts in our pants, as well as everyday items. I mean sometimes when I want a snack, I just..." he let out another loud laugh. "**REACH DOWN FOR SOME NUTS**!" Hidan fell down on his back from laughter. "_That's _where I store my nuts! **IN MY PANTS**! HAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Kakuzu cut off Hidan's arm and started walking down the sidewalk.

"**OW** Goddamnit!" Hidan watched at the departing Kakuzu. "Oh come on! That was funny! Bit his jewels! Reach down for some nuts! That's good stuff! Come on, don't be a spoil sport!"

> 

"Hello, is this the uhh... Inuzuka residence?" Kakuzu asked the lady who opened the door. She had short hair and red markings on her face. Hidan stood next to him, running his arm where Kakuzu had reattached it.

"Yes this is. You must be the dog walkers!"

"Yeah, that's us. Bring out the demon..." Hidan said sadly. Kakuzu elbowed him in the ribs. "**OW**! I mean, where is the cute little doggy?"

"I'll go get him." the lady replied, walking back inside. "Here Akamaru!" they heard her call out.

"Akamaru? Well, that's a cute name for a dog..." Kakuzu said.

Hidan started to reply, until he saw the bohemoth of a dog that stood before him. His witty replied turned in to; "What the fuck are you feeding that thing?!"

The lady grabbed him by the collar and dragged him closer. "Usually bodies of people he doesn't like!" she replied in a dangerous tone.

Hidan smiled weakly. "W-W-Why, what a c-cute little dog-doggy... heh... heh heh..."

> 

Hidan and Kakuzu walked the dog... if you could call it that. It was more like "chased" the dog. Akamaru ran amazingly fast for a dog his size, and the leash broke ten seconds into the walk. It took them ten minutes to catch up.

"We... really need... to have... a better... system..." Hidan said between breaths.

"I have my doubts that this is worth ten dollars..." Kakuzu muttered.

"Maybe... maybe we should... we should... gasp" Hidan desperatly focused on breathing.

"Tsk, seriously. You should spend less time praying and more time excersizing. You're already out of breath? That's pitiful for a shinobi."

"Easy... for you... to say... you have... five fucking hearts..." Hidan breathed. "And you forget... I've had... a punctured lung..."

"Oh, don't try to make me feel sorry for you. You're the one who punctured it yourself. You and your suicide complex."

"It's not a suicide complex! It's a ritual!"

"Aww, do you lock yourself in the closet at night? Listening to the Cure and slitting your wrists?"

"**SHUT UP**!"

"Hey... what's the dog doing?"

"**I SAID SHUT** - huh?"

They both looked over at Akamaru, who turned in a circle a couple of times before squated down in the grass.

Hidan raised and eyebrow as he stepped closer. "What's he- **EWWWW**!"

Kakuzu couldn't help but laugh as Hidan stumbled back, coughing at the sight and the smell. "Oh, don't be such a wimp."

"It's bigger than my head! Oh my _God_!"

Kakuzu dared a look over at it. "...Ewwwww..."

> 

The two Akatsuki looked at the mountain of a shit that lay before them in a sort of reverand silence.

"...well, what are you waiting for Hidan? Pick it up!"

"Fuck that, _you _pick it up!"

"Hell, I ain't touching that crap! Err, no pun intended."

"Well I sure as hell ain't getting any closer to- oh _come on_! You _just _went to the bathroom you stupid dog!"

> 

Kiba walked to the door to answer it; if rather slowly. He had sustained an injury on mission, and hadn't been able to walk Akamaru for a few days. From what he heard, they had gotten a new dog walker. He wanted to met them.

He opened to door and saw Akamaru happily leap in and start licking his face. At the doorway, he saw two men in black cloaks and a big black trash bag on the ground next to them.

"Thanks for walking Akamaru for me... erm..."

"Kakuzu."

"Hidan."

Their voices sounded devoid of any emotion. Like they carried a huge emotion scar on them...

"Ummm... what's in the bag?"

Hidan picked up the bag and dropped it inside the house. It landed with a squishing noise.

"This is your 'pet's' extrements."

Kiba. "Oh." then his eyes widdened. "ooOOHHhh..."

Kiba looked out behind them, raising an eyebrow. "Hey, I didn't know we had a pond across the street!"

Hidan scoffed and started walking away. "Yeah? Well ya do now."

Kakuzu shook his head sadly and followed him.

Kiba titled his head questioningly, then understood. "EWWWWW! Bad Akamaru! Bad!"

> 

"Sempai! Sempaisempaisempaisempai! Lookie lookie!" Tobi jumped circles around Zetsu excitedly.

Zetsu sighed. "What?"

Tobi held up his hand with something in it. "I found a _rock_!"

Zetsu looked around at the gravel driveway they were standing in. "Well no shit."

Tobi scanned the area with a hand over his eyes (well, eyehole). "You're right, I don't see shit anywhere."

Zetsu banged his head against the car. This wasn't going well.

It wasn't a bad car persay. Just a complete mess. Zetsu could see why the '01 Ford Contour needed a good wash. But Tobi kept coming up with the most ridiciously of things to take up his time.

"Sempai! Look at _that_!"

"If it's another rock, I'm just going to eat it... and you."

"No, it looks like a fire!"

Zetsu turned around and looked where Tobi was pointing. Indeed, there was a pillar of smoke off in the distance. "That's because it is a fire, Tobi." Zetsu replied wearily. But interestingly enough, it was in the direction of where Itatchi and Kisame we're supposed to be working...

It was that moment where he caught a small pillar of dirt blow up towards the sky, and small objects raining down with it.

"I got a bad feeling about this... come on Tobi, let's hurry up."

"Okay!" Tobi stripped off all his clothes and started rubbing his chest against the water on the car windshield.

"Tobi, what in the name of hell are you _doing_?!"

"I'm washing the car, just like those pretty ladies did the day we went to Gophy Gopher World!"

Zetsu thudded his head against the side of the car. It was going to be a loooooong day.

> 

"Okay, we all did fine jobs today. Even though we had..." Pein coughed. "Unorthadox methods, the point is we got the job done, and we raised a bit of money."

Pein turned towards Kakuzu, who was standing next to a graph chart and a laser pointer. "Kakuzu, as our acting treasurer due to his money keeping abilities, will give us a conclusion report on Odd Job Akatsuki, day one. Kakuzu?"

Pein stepped to the side to let Kakuzu speak. Kakuzu cleared his throat. "Well, with Itatchi and Kisame mowing lawns, Deidara helping out the farming community... with clay aparently..."

"Hey, hey, Deidara-sempai! Would you say you did a fine job?" Tobi snickered. "Or better yet... a _hand _job?!"

"Hey, **SHUT UP TOBI**!"

"Hey, look man, what you do you in your free time..."

"**SHUT UP**!"

Kakuzu cleared his throat again, a little louder this time. "And with me and Hidan dog walking and Tobi and Zetsu running a car wash, we earned a grand total of..." he pointed the laser light at a portion of the graph. "Thirty seven dollars!"

There was a light applause from the members, mixed with enthusiastic applause and cheering and whooting from Pein.

Kakuzu looked around nervously. "But umm... well..." he coughed. "With a few costs and issues that arose..."

"What are you talking about?" Pein asked stermly.

Kakuzu sighed. "Well, with the costs it took to repair the neighborhood Itatchi-san blew up, and the money needed to pay the farmer back for his carrot garden and property damage... city costs to remove the 'pond' the dog walkers caused and the lawsuit of the kid blown up by the blind guy-"

"**I CAN SEE FINE**!"

"-it looks like we've been set back to..." Kakuzu pointed at another area of the graph. "Four thousand, three hundred and twenty two dollars and eighteen cents, falling a bit short of our one million dollar goal."

Everyone gulped and inched back nervously.

Pein burried his face in his hands. This was going to be harder than he thought...

> 

End notes; Well, it's like taking two steps foward and three steps back. OR, 4,322 steps back... yeah.

Once again, please read and review. Glad a couple people liked it so far


	3. Story Three: The Food

"Deidara." 

"Mmmmm..."

"**DEIDARA! STOP MAKING OUT WITH YOUR HAND AND LISTEN**!" Pein yelled in frustration.

Deidara startled up and turned around. "H-Hey, I wasn't-"

"Look, what you do in-"

"**I WAS COUGHING**!"

Pein sighed. "Whatever. Look, I need you to go out to the store..."

"Why?"

"Cause we're low on food, why else? Unless you want to live on Ritz for the next month, you'll go to the store."

"Awww, why do I have to go? Send someone else... yeah."

"I can't."

"Why not?"

Pein liften Deidara to his feet by his collar. "I can't send Zetsu, cause he'll eat out the store. Literally. I can't send Itachi, unless you plan on eating tampons for a month."

"I can see fine!" Itachi called as he passed Deidara's door.

"Kisame can't go, cause we all know how he cries when he sees the seafood. It's sunday, so Hidan won't go, and Kakuzu will take the money and claim he was robbed. That just leaves you and Tobi. And Tobi would have us feasting on nothing but candy." Pein pushed Deidara towards the door. "You're the only one I can trust." He handed Deidara a check.

Deidara was touched. "Wow, really? I always thought you hated-"

"And bring Tobi with you. He's driving me crazy."

"Asshole... yeah."

Kisame lazily scratched his rear, then dipped his hand into the popcorn bowl.

"Ewww. Like, gross." Kakuzu made a retching face.

"What, something wrong with my hand?" Kisame asked.

"You don't scratch your ass then grab some popcorn!"

"Why not?"

"You just don't!"

Kisame had an evil smile. "What, don't like my poo-poo covered hands?" He reached over and rubbed his hand in Kakuzu's face.

"**EWWWWW! STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT**!" Kakuzu pushed away Kisame's hand. Kisame pushed away Kakuzu's arms.

Then the two started a cat-slap fight.

"I'm surrounded by girls..." Zetsu sighed.

"I want to eat them." Zetsu replied.

"No, no eating the women."

"You're all so immature..." Itachi said as he waltzed into the room. He sat down on the empty seat on the couch and looked at the TV. "ZOMG **SPONGEBOB**!"

"Itachi! Kisame scratched his buuuuttttt and rubbed in my faaaaaaccee. Punish him." Kakuzu whined his best whine.

"Who lives in a pinapple under the sea? _Sponge Bob Square Pants_!" Itachi happily sung along and waved his arms in the air.

Zetsu sighed again, and walked out of the room.

"Where are you going?" Kisame asked.

"I'm going to die now."

Kakuzu took Kisame's distraction to punch Kisame's arm.

"_Ow_! Itachi! He hit me!"

"He hit me first!"

"Did not!"

"Did so!"

"Did not!"

"Did so!"

"**WOULD YOU TWO SHUT UP? I'M TRYING TO WATCH TV**!"

"You can't even _see _the damn TV!" Hidan said as he walked in. "How'd you even know what's on?"

"If you must know, Sponge Robert of the Square Shaped Slacks has a distinctive yellow color." Itachi replied in his high and mighty tone. "And I can see fine." He reached for some popcorn...

"_Ack_! You **PERVERT ITACHI**!"

"It was an accident!"

Kakuzu took this other distraction to punch Kisame's arm again. Kisame responded by stabbing him with a kunai.

Everyone gasped.

"Oh my _God_! You killed Kakuzu!" Itachi exclaimed.

"You **BASTARD**!" Hidan shouted.

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Please wait, the writer of this story is being sued for copyright infrignment. We apologize for any inconvience.  
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Pein walked into the room to see all his prized men fighting with each other.

"Pein! Pein! Kisame killed Kakuzu!" Hidan shouted urgently.

"Oh, Kakuzu dies all the time." Pein said. He grabbed the remote to the TV.

"_No_! I'm watching Spongebob!" Itachi whined and reached for the remote. Pein was taller than him, unfortunatly for Itachi.

"Gimme gimme gimme!"

Zetsu walked back into the room.

"No Itachi, I wanna watch Power Rangers!"

Zetsu left the room.

"Deida! Deida! DeidaDeidaDeidaDeidaDeidaDeidaDeidaDeidaDeida! Can we- Can we- Can we get Fruity Pebbles? I want Fruity Pebbles! I want Fruity Pebbles!"

"No, you want the Hot Wheels that comes with it... yeah."

"No, I swear I swear I swear! I want the Fruity Pebbles!"

"I said no, now put it back."

Tobi clutched the box, ran circles around the shopping cart and started crying. Everyone turned around to see the commotion.

Deidara winced. "**OKAY YOU CAN HAVE THE FRUITY FUCKING PEBBLES**!"

"_Yay_!"

An old lady walked up to Deidara and slapped him. "You ought to be ashamed of yourself! Using such horrible language in front of your child."

"My _what_?!"

"You are a horrible mother!" The old lady stormed away.

"I'm a **_WHAT_**?!?"

"Itachi."

"Hmm..."

"Itachi!"

"What?"

"There's a fly on your hand."

Itachi looked at his hand. Then he looked closer. Then he squinted his eyes. He did kinda sorta see a black dot. "I got it..."

He pulled out a kunai and took aim.

"Uhhh... Itachi?"

"Shh! You'll scare it away!"

Kisame sighed.

Itachi brought the kunai down on his hand. "_Mep_!" He bit his lips and his eyes went wide. His whole body was tense, and a few tears leaked from his eyes.

"Itachi?"

"Hm?"

"Want a band-aid?"

"Yes please."

Pein overlooked his files on his laptop, all kept nice in neat in a folder named "My secret awesome plans. Do not open."

He was currenlty in a subfolder called Odd Job Akatsuki. He had a lot of new jobs in, despite the property damage and loss of life the other day. He had to reformulate the working orders so he wouldn't have repeats of last time.

He heard a knock on his door.

"Come in." he called, not really paying much attention.

Hidan walked in, getting a good look at Pein's room for the first time. His walls were covered with heavy metal posters.

"Ummm, Kakuzu hasn't gotten up yet."

"He'll be fine."

"And Itachi stabbed his hand with a kunai."

"He'll be- what?"

"He stabbed his hand with a kunai."

THUD

Pein's head hit the desk.

"He was trying to kill a fly." Hidan explained.

"He'll manage, I hope. Anything else?"

"Well... I was wondering..."

Pein stared at him. "Wondering what?"

"Well, you said that we were doing these odd jobs because we have no money, but I was thinking; couldn't we just steal the money? I mean, we're fucking _ninjas_. We're supposed to be good a stealth and stuff."

"Well, actually-"

"We really could just go destroy the bank and take all the money! Then all we'd have to do is walk down to the bank and deposit it! We'd be rich!"

Pein stared at Hidan.

Hidan grinned widely.

"I'm going to have a more intelligent conversation with this wall now. Please don't talk to me. Ever."

Deidara's eyes scanned down the list. He had just about everything needed. He looked at the aisle next to him, and saw a small section of condoms.

He raised an eyebrow curiously. "Con...doms?" he whispered quietly to himself. He quickly pushed his cart over to the boxes and picked one up, reading it.

It wasn't food, aparently.

Deidara mumbled to himself as he read. " 'Rubber Sock condoms, only the best in safe sex practices...' " he flipped the box around. 'Safe sex? I've had plenty of sex, and I never got hurt...' he thought. He opened the box and pulled out a tiny square wrapped condom. Then a thought hit him. 'What if my... personal activites are unsafe?' He slowly lifted up his hand and looked at it. A tongue slipped out of the lips and licked the exterior of his hand hungrily.

Deidara shrugged. "Better safe than sorry." he muttered as he tossed the box into the cart. The condom he was holding fell onto the floor. He bended over to pick it up.

"_Candy_?! Deidara-sempai, you're getting us candy?! **YAY YAY YAY**!" Tobi jumped up and down excitedly as he clutched the condom he picked up off the floor.

"Tobi, that's not-"

"Huh, Deida? I've never heard of Condom before. Is it good?"

Tobi's loud voice carried through the rest of the store, and everyone turned their heads to look at them.

Deidara sighed. "Pein, you asshole..."

Kisame lazed over the couch warily. Hidan was sprawled over the recliner and Itachi was lying down on the floor. Kakuzu was next to him, still passed out.

The TV was blared out an infomercial.

"Hey, change the channel Hidan." Kisame said lazily.

"_You _change the channel." Hidan replied.

"I ain't changin' the channel. Itachi, change the channel."

"Change the channel yourself, I ain't changin' the channel." Itachi replied.

"Well, I ain't changin' it either..."

They all sighed.

"I'm bored..." Hidan said.

"Me too." Kisame replied.

Itachi didn't say anything. He just stared at the ceiling. Then he jumped up. "I got an idea!"

Kisame and Hidan sat up. "What?" Kisame asked.

"We can play spin the bottle!"

"..."

"..."

"I said I was bored, not gay." Hidan replied.

"My turn!" Itachi said, as he leaned over and spun the bottle.

"I said I was-"

"We heard you the first time..." Kisame said.

Zetsu carefully inched back a bit. How he got dragged into this was beyond him.

The bottle stopped, pointed at the wall.

"Okay Zetsu, here I come!" Itachi crawled over to the wall.

"Ummm. Itachi?"

"Shut up Kisame."

Itachi puckered up his lips, leaned forward, and kissed the wall outlet.

Pein put the finishing touches on his new documents. "And now to save them..." he mumbled.

Suddenly, his lights cut out, and his laptop screen cut off. Then the lights clicked on and the laptop booted back up.

"_Any unsaved dated you previously had has been lost_."

"...**NNNNOOOOOOOOOOO**!"

The three Akatsuki members looked down at the frazed, charged body of Itachi.

"Well, fuck. What do we do now?" Hidan asked.

"I don't want to touch him. He may still be carrying a bit of static, and I'm kinda... well, wet." Kisame said.

"I could eat him." Zetsu said.

"We're not eating him." Zetsu replied.

"Come on, just a small bite?" Zetsu asked.

"No." Zetsu said sternly.

"Awww..."

Pein walked in, angered. "What the _hell _did you guys do?!" he asked (well, yelled).

"Well, we were playing spin the bottle, and Itachi kissed the outlet thinking it was Zetsu."

Pein let out a long winded sigh. "I need new subordinates..." he mumbled as he left the room.

Deidara put the last of the groceries away. He had used every last cent available for the groceries possible, but they wouldn't go hungry for a while.

Except for his own little purchase, which he hid under his bed with his "Inspiration Collection".

Kakuzu walked into the mess hall, still a little dazed from getting stabbed. "Pein wants you in the den."

"Alright, yesterday we had a few... setbacks while we were working the field." Pein said, addressing all members of the Akatsuki. "I thought about it, and came up with the hypothesis that the problem wasn't the jobs, but who I assigned them to. The teams were all wrong."

He stopped and flourished a set of papers. "So, you will no longer be working with your current partners. I'm rearranging the orders of the teams and giving you new assignments."

That received a round of moans.

"Now I realize this will create some difficulties, since you are all used to working with your current partners, but I have faith in that you will all come through with flying colors."

"Pein! Pein!"

Pein sighed. "Yes, Tobi?"

"Do you have any Condoms on you? I'm hungry!"

Everyone slowly turned their heads towards Tobi. Kakuzu and Zetsu, who were on either side of Tobi, slowly inched away.

Pein raised an eyebrow. "Well, if you're hungry, and want condoms, you should join Deidara during his 'alone time'."

"**I WASN'T DOING ANYTHING**!"

"Whateve-"

"Yeah yeah yeah..." Deidara mumbled.

Pein walked over to his Akatsuki soldiers. "So, here are your new assignments; Itachi and Deidara, you'll be cleaning the house of 'Uzamaki N.'. Tobi and Hidan, you'll be babysitting."

"**BABYSITTING**?!" Hidan asked with his jaw dropped.

"Eww, I don't want to sit on infants!"

Pein glared at them. "Anyways, Kisame and Kakuzu; you two get to work on the plumbing of the Haruno's. Zetsu, you and Zetsu will be rewiring the power outlets at an elderly couples house."

Pein finished handing out the assignments. "Now, I assume nobody has any problem with these arrangements...?"

Everyone raised there hands.

"...well, I don't care!"

End notes; Yeah, this chapter didn't come out so well in my opinion. But maybe you'll think differently ;. Anyways, please read and review


	4. Story Four: The Death

"Oh... my... God..." Deidara said, jaw dropped. "This... this is... awful..." 

Itachi had killed his entire clan, but even he couldn't imagine why someone would do something so horrible. "This is... a massacre..."

The two stared at each other, before they slowly turned their heads back to the dirtiest room ever in the existance of time itself.

The clothes were draped over chairs and thrown about the floor. Melted ice cream was smeared on the walls and floor. The toilet was backed up... into the whole house, so aparently Naruto had been using the floor as a toilet subsitute. Deidara inched away from a suspicious looking puddle near his feet.

The wallpaper was peeling, and once upon a time Naruto had aparently stuffed pudding and mashed potatoes underneath it. The mix was oozing out of the holes in the wall.

And this was only a taste of the awesome mess that lay before them.

Itachi knew it was up to him to be the team leader. "Hey, Deidara. It's up to me to be the team leader. You get to work cleaning up the crap on the floor (literally), and I will get to work 'cleaning' the fridge'."

"Umm... okay... yeah." Deidara cautiously moved into the house.

Itachi chuckled as he walked over to the fridge and looked in. "**EEEKKKKK**!"

"What's wrong?!"

Itachi slammed the door shut. "I don't know, but all I know is it has eight legs, four eyes and pointy objects poking out of it's skin!"

> 

Zetsu followed the loose wires to a small hole in the corner of the wall. Since the wires had been smooth clean all through, the break in the wiring must be inside the walls itself.

He sighed. That means to even find out what the problem is, if any, he would have to take the walls down. Which means he might have to replace them (of course, he _would _charge extra for that).

"Well, I guess I might as well start with my tools..."

"Tools? Just eat the wall!"

"We're _not _going to eat the wall."

"Awww, I wanna eat the wall! It's quicker!"

"Hey, _I'm _in charge, and I say that we are _not _going to eat the wall!"

> 

After Zetsu finished eating the wall, he started once again on his search for a break in the electrical wiring. It took him some time, but he found what he assumed to be the problem.

There was this thing, when attached to this one thing attached to the other thing which allowed the power to get to the main thing.

Or, in terms of those who know what they're doing, there was a connector that connected the wires to it and on the other side, meet up with the same colored wires to continue to the generator.

The problem was, All the wires had come loose. There were three wires; red, blue and green. The green had to connect to the green, the red to red, and blue to blue. Easy enough, right?

Zetsu's problem was that the connector was worn, so he couldn't see which colors went in which slot.

He looked at the connector intently.

"Well, standardly, red wires usually connect first, right?" he said to himself.

"Right."

"So then, if the left slot is the first slot, that means putting the red wire in..." he put the red wires in, and he heard a small click. He smiled. "That means putting the red wires there starts the power up, just a little bit."

He looked at the remaining wires. "So, that means putting the blue wire in the middle..." he connected the blue wires, and heard a crackle as the lights went off and loud cracks outside the windows as all the lights in the neighborhood cut out.

"...cuts out the neighborhood power grid..."

"... way to go, dumbass..."

> 

"Y'know, the name of this job is surprisingly misleading!" Tobi said in his usualy upbeat manner. Hidan had his nose burried in his Dieble. "Whatcha doin'?" Tobi asked.

"I'm reading my Dieble. There must be _something _to prove this is against my religion... or something allowing me to kill three year olds..." Hidan sighed. "This is insulting..."

"They aren't so bad! And man oh man, they have the _coolest _toys! Like- like- like one! He has this car! And when you push it, it goes **VROOM VROOM**!" Tobi hopped up and down excitedly. "It's _so _cool! I want one! Can I get one? Puh-_lease_?!"

Hidan closed his Dieble and sighed. "Damnit Pein, you didn't leave it two people babysitting two kids. You left it one person babysitting three!"

"Uhhh... Hidan? I think they left something in the bathroom..."

Hidan looked at one of the kids, who had a wide grin on his face.

"I went poopie!"

"Oh hell no..."

> 

Hidan was sick of always getting the shit jobs.

Literally.

"For the love of Janshin, he's like, two feet tall! How'd he get it on the ceiling?!"

"Ooohhhhhh! There's something shiney in this one!"

"Ew."

Tobi tossed to poop clod into the big trash bag and happily went around gathering the stray poop covering near the whole bathroom. "Wow, there's a lot of poopies for such a little guy! Where do you suppose he keeps it all?"

Hidan sighed. "I'm glad I'm close to a toilet..."

"D'ya 'spose he actually picked it _out _of the toilet? Cause it doesn't feel all that wet..." Tobi mentioned as he squeezed another clod. The greenish excrement oozed out of his fingers, making Hidan want to puke on the spot.

"Y'know what Tobi? Why don't you keep up here? Someone should keep an eye on the kids."

"Okay! Tobi's a good boy!"

"Err, right. I'll be watching the kids."

Hidan walked out, but not before a small smudge of poop hit his cheek; one that had flown off Tobi's fingers as he enthusiastically waved good-bye.

Hidan stopped at the kitchen sink and rinsed his hands thoroughly, and then cleaned his face three times; just to be safe. He was drying his face when something hit the back of his neck. He looked up a bit with a questioning look.

A small brown drop fell in front of his eyes.

He slowly raised his head towards the ceiling. "Son... of..a..._bitch_!"

> 

Kakuzu and Kisame stared at the toilet. They had... _no _idea what the hell they were supposed to do.

"Do something."

"_You _do something."

They continued to stare.

"Try flushing it." Kisame suggested.

"It's broken dumb shit! That's why we're here!" Kakuzu replied.

"Well, I didn't hear _you _suggest anything!" Kisame accused.

Kakuzu looked down at the toilet again. "Maybe it's just clogged... hand me the plunger."

Kisame reached over and grabbed an old, moldy looking plunger and handed it to Kakuzu.

"Sometimes ya got to..." Kakuzu mumbled as he plunged the plunger into the toilet. It took a moment until they heard a small plop, and the water started to drain.

Kakuzu smiled proudly. "See? Nothing to it."

Then they heard another, louder plop, and watched as the water returned, in a smelly, brownish red color. The toilet was gurgling something fierce, sounding more like a wild animal.

"I think you angered it." Kisame said quietly.

"Maybe it's supposed-"

SPLASH!

Kisame and Kakuzu startled back as a small pop of the brown liquid exploded out from the depths of the toilet.

"The hell was that?" Kakuzu asked.

"I've got a baaad feeling about this..." Kisame replied.

Then a clod of crap burst out of the toilet, hitting Kisame square on the face.

"Oh, shit!"

Kakuzu fell over laughing.

"You know there was no pun intended!"

> 

"Oh my God!"

"What?"

"He wears diapers!" Deidara broke out into laughing.

Itachi rolled his eyes. Some people could be so immature.

"Dude, that's pathetic. He's like, fifteen, right?" Deidara walked into the kitchen carrying the box of diapers.

"Hey, maybe it's smart. I'm mean, we're ninja. And on a mission, we don't have time for potty breaks." Itachi replied.

"_Potty _breaks?" Deidara raised an eyebrow.

"Err, I mean- umm... err..." Itachi stuttered.

A sly smile crept over Deidara's lips. "Do... you... Omigod, _Uchiha Itachi wears diapers_?!"

"**I DO NOT**!"

"I can't _wait _to tell the guys... yeah."

Itachi grabbed Deidara by the collar. "You won't say a _word _to them! I _only _started wearing them since the Zetsu incident, okay?!" His eyes went Sharingan.

Deidara knew that was a bad sign, so he backed off. "Fine fine..." he mumbled. He tossed the box into the trash and went back to cleaning. After a bit, Itachi heard him snicker.

Itachi sighed. "What?"

"Do you wear Pampers or Huggies?"

"**SHUT UP DEIDARA**!"

> 

It took Zetsu a while to get the power restored to the block. And he only ate two people while doing it. A new personal low.

He fixed the wiring with the correct colors this time, so he only had one job left; installing a new wall.

He had no idea how to do that.

"Hey, don't we use earth jutsu?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Why not just make a new wall? Like, a rock wall?"

"Because wouldn't a rock wall be a little inconspicious?"

"They're _old_! They won't notice!"

"They're old, not blind."

"The husband is."

"That's not the point."

"In fact, the wife is too."

"Oh shut up."

"Make me."

That was all the provacation Zetsu needed. He swung a punch, connecting with his stomach.

"Oh... oh it's on!"

Zetsu kicked his own butt, causing him to fall flat on the floor. He was soon rolling on the ground, hitting himself over and over.

"**I'M GOING TO EAT YOUR SORRY ASS**!"

"**YOU EAT ME, YOU EAT YOURSELF SMARTASS**!"

Soon he had himself pinned against the wall, arms at his throat.

"Let me go you bastard!"

"Let yourself go!"

It was time to go to extremes; with one quick motion, he hammered down on his crotch.

That was a bad idea.

> 

"Can we have some ice cream?"

"No."

"Can we have some ice cream?"

"No."

"Can we have some ice cream?"

"No."

"Can we have some ice cream?"

"No."

"Can we have some ice cream?"

"Hey Tobi, don't join in with them!"

Tobi started stomping around the room. "**I WANT ICE CREAM! I WANT ICE CREAM! NOW NOW NOW**!"

The two kids started following his example. Hidan burried his face in his hands. "Janshin, give me strength."

"**I WANT ICE CREAM**!" Tobi threw the remote at the window, breaking it.

"Tobi! That's a bad Tobi! Now you definatly don't get ice cream!" Hidan scolded.

"Tobi's a _**GOOD BOY**_!" Tobi screamed angrily.

"No! Tobi's a bad boy! You go to time out!"

"**NO**!"

"I said **TIME OUT**!"

Tobi stubbornly walked over to a chair set up in the corner and sat down; facing the wall.

Hidan was glad to parents got back from work soon.

> 

Kakuzu read from the difficult looking instructions, with "Easy help picture instruction."

"The P-Pipe connects to the L-shaped connector as shown in diagram B1, disconnect the brackets with an adjustable wrench and turn it 65 degrees left, and tighten down till pipes are set."

Kisame stared at the diagram, then at Kakuzu. "You know what that means?"

"Yes, and I know how to fix this..." Kakuzu picked up his favorite tool and messed with it a bit.

"... yes, Hank's Plumbing? I need you to come to..."

> 

"Mmmm... wow Itachi, I'm so glad you brought them with you!"

"Fool. I _always _have them with me."

"Oh... heh, right. Damn though, your nuts are _so _tasty... yeah."

"Well, I grew them myself."

"Of course. I wish my nuts were this good. And my God, are they big! I mean, I've seen a lot of nuts in my life, but these are freaking _huge_!"

"Yes, all Uchiha's take a certain sense of pride in their nuts. We're known for two things; the Sharingan, and our big, tasty nuts."

"Oh, I can see why! I thought they were kind of moderate, you know? But when I first grabbed your nuts for the first time, I was like 'God _damn_!' "

"I know, I saw the look on your face. Sometimes, when I'm in public, I like to whip out my nuts and show them to people. I love the compliments."

"You must get a lot. I mean, my nuts are always so small. And the ones I pay for aren't nearly this great... yeah."

"Well, feel free to taste them any time you want."

"Thanks Itachi... in fact, I think I'll have some more of your nuts right now!"

"Okay."

Itachi passed his bag of self grown peanuts to Deidara, who greedily dug into them. "Man Itachi, there is nothing better than stuffing my mouth full of your nuts... yeah."

Itachi smiled proudly. He really did love his own nuts (not to sound vain or anything).

"Don't suck my nuts Deidara, just swallow them. We still have a lot of work to do."

It was true; the house was only about half finished. But the half that was done looked pretty clean. And the pair only vomitted twice! Each...

Itachi stood up, leaving Deidara to his nuts. He looked around to see what was left, when he saw...

"Hey, Deidara."

"Hmm?" Deidara turned his head, his mouth still full with Itachi's nuts.

Itachi pointed to a door, and Deidara followed his finger to a sign on it:

"Naruto's Secret Room of Secrecy. _Do Not Enter_!"

Deidara's eyes widdened. Itachi wiggled his eyebrows mischeviously.

"Oh... oh no..."

> 

Pein collected the cash from each Akatsuki member.

"Electrical job, 75 dollars... babysitting, 48... plumbing, 80..." Pein mumbled to himself. He held out his hand, but felt nothing. He lifted his head and looked around. "Where's Deidara and Itachi? Aren't they done yet?"

"I haven't seen them. Besides, that nine tails brat is a slob."

Pein sighed. "They need to hurry it up then!"

> 

"Dude, I don't know about this... yeah." Deidara whispered as they snuck into the 'Secret Room of Secrecy.'

"Look, if there is _anything _about the kyuubi or the Fourth Hokage in here helpful to us, it's our duty to retrieve it as members of Akatsuki." Itachi replied, fumbling near the walls searching for a light switch. It was dark, but it's doubtful that's the only reason he was having trouble.

"What if he comes back and we're in here? He'll fire us!"

Itachi sighed and flipped on the lights. "For Christ's sake Deidara, you're a bomber! For a rebel, you're not so rebelious..."

Deidara scoffed. "Tsk, I am too rebelious... yeah." he mumbled as he searched through the room, looking for a diary or scroll with information of the sealing of the kyuubi. All he could find were countless ammounts of extra Ramen boxes.

Itachi searched more thoroughly than Deidara, bringing each single object close up and squinting at it.

And squinting harder.

Then turning to Deidara, "I can't read this."

Deidara took the object. "It's a Ramen box. Big surprise..."

Itachi raised an eyebrow. "Really? I thought it was an iPod..."

Deidara looked over his shoulder. "A what now?"

Itachi glanced around nervously. "Errr, nothing."

"Get glasses... yeah."

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"Cause... umm... technically... I... mmmggphhmlbmmm..." Itachi mumbled.

"Do what now?"

Itachi sighed. "Bifocals. I can't where glasses anymore because I would need bifocals."

There was silence.

"Deidara?"

Itachi turned to see Deidara biting down on a box of Ramen, tears streaming down his face, which was turning red.

"Oh shut up."

"I wasn't laughing!"

"Wait..."

"Seriously!"

"Shut up! Listen..."

Deidara leaned towards the door. He heard a door close, and keys fall on a table. His eyes widdened.

"Oh, shit! He's back!"

Itachi panicked. "Whaddo we do? Whaddo we do?!"

Deidara thought quickly. Then snapped his fingers and made a hand seal. "Henge no Jutsu!"

With a poof, Deidara was gone, replaced by a standing lamp.

Itachi ran circles around the room, hands on his head panicking. "Gotta transform, gotta transform, gotta transform... but into _what_?!"

He looked around. All he saw were blank scrolls and Ramen boxes.

He heard footsteps getting closer...

He closed his eyes...

"Henge no Jutsu!"

> 

Naruto entered his secret room of secrecy. He called it that to hide where he kept his secret Ramen stash.

"Nope, nobody'll get their hands on _my _ramen!" He had said.

Little did he know, that no one actually _wanted _his ramen...

He stepped into the room. It was a mess, but hell, so was the rest of the house. He shrugged. "Guess the cleaners didn't get here yet..."

He walked over to a cabinet and opened it, reaching in and pulling out an orange covered book...

"I can't believe Kakashi-sensei left his book here when I invited him over..." he said to himself. He turned to leave, then stopped.

"Wait..."

Deidara-lamp had a bead of sweat travel down his bulb.

Itachi was practically shaking. Not literally though.

Naruto looked around suspiciously. "... I don't remember inviting Kakashi-sensei over!"

He shrugged, and moved for the door. If they could have, Itachi and Deidara would have sighed with relief.

Naruto stopped next to Deidara. "Wait..."

Deidara now had small beads of sweat traveling down to the floor.

Naruto turned to him and stared at him closely.

Deidara sweated.

Naruto stared.

Deidara sweated.

Naruto stared. "... that's a nice lamp!"

He turned back to the door.

Deidara felt like he was going to die.

Itachi couldn't stand the pressure.

"Wait..."

'Oh, for the love of God!' Itachi wanted to scream.

Naruto walked over to Itachi and looked down.

Itachi wanted to squirm.

It's hard for bowls of Ramen to squirm, though.

"... I don't remember making Ramen..."

There was a small pool underneath Deidara.

Naruto stared at Itachi-ramen, shrugged, and sat down.

"Best not let it go to waste!" he said cheerfully.

**'NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**!' Itachi inwardly screamed. He could do nothing but watch as the chopsticks got closer to the bowl...

> 

Deidara made sure that Naruto was completely out of the house before breaking off the transformation and rushing over to the table.

"...Itachi...?" He quietly creeped his eyes.

It was... an awful site...

The bowl was empty.

"Itachi? Oh God, _Itachi_!"

There was silence.

"This isn't funny dude, **ITACHI! ANSWER ME DAMN YOU**!"

Silence.

A tear fell down Deidara's face.

"Itachi... Itachi, no! **NNNOOOOOOOOO**!"

> 

Hidan walked into the room, hearing only choking gasps and someone yelling "**COUGH IT UP! COUGH IT UP, YOU BASTARD**!"

Hidan looked to the side to see Pein on top of Zetsu, who had fallen over the couch. Pein had his arms around Zetsu's neck.

"**SPIT IT OUT, NOW**!!" Pein yelled.

"No!" Zetsu managed through the chokes.

"What the hell are you doing?!" Hidan asked.

"He ate our money!" Tobi said excitedly.

Hidan fell to the ground with a thud.

"**GIVE IT BACK**!"

"_Never_!"

There was a bang. Everyone turned to see Deidara, fallen at the doorway.

"Oh God, Deidara!" Pein yelled as he rushed to help his underling. Deidara wasn't hurt thankfully, but he was covered in dirt and tears.

"What happened?" Kisame asked.

"The nine tails... the nine tails!" Deidara choked through sobs.

"Get it together man! What happened?" Pein said.

"I was a lamp... the bowl was empty... oh the emptiness of the bowl! **HE WAS AN EMPTY BOWL**!" Deidara blurted out in cries.

Everyone looked around, eyebrows raised. Tobi raised a small blue **WTF**? flag.

"The nine tails jinchuruuki is an empty bowl?" Kakuzu asked.

Zetsu coughed. A ten dollar bill fell from his mouth.

Kakuzu leaped onto the bill.

Pein didn't even care.

SMACK!

"_Ow_!" Deidara cried out.

"Come on! You're an Akatsuki! Bear it and tell us what happened! And just where the hell in Itachi?!"

Deidara sniffled. "That's just it! We were hiding from the nine tails. I transformed into a lamp... and... and..."

"...and?"

"**_AND ITACHI BECAME A BOWL OF RAMEN AND THE NINE TAILS ATE HIM_**!!!"

There was silence.

Then a thud as Hidan fell again.

> 

End notes: Just to let everyone know; I don't hate Itachi. In fact, he's my second favorite Akatsuki (next to my widdle Deidara-chan).

Thanks for the reviews. Special out to theevilruler99. Don't worry, I wasn't sick of you at all Just glad to have a constant reader .

Again, please read and review and let me know what you think! Next chapter will be up sooner than you think ;)


	5. Story Five: The Funeral

"We are all here... to pay our respects to the late and no doubt great; Uchiha Itachi." 

Pein looked around sadly. Everyone was dressed in black. Well... they were always dressed in black. But today, they had good reason. All the Akatsuki members had their head bowed.

Except a confused Tobi, who was staring at the ceiling.

Pein sighed. "We will now have each member come up to the casket and say a few words about our fallen comrade, who was another victim to noontime snacking."

Pein stepped to the side, head bowed.

> 

Zetsu looked down at the casket. It was empty, but it was just there as symbolization. He bowed to it respectfully before addressing the other members.

"Uchiha Itachi... such a sad fate it is, to be eaten by another." Zetsu fought back tears. "My only regret is that I... was not the one... who ate you."

Pein slapped himself in the head.

Zetsu wiped a tear from his cheek. "You always looked so damned delicious! _Why God, Why_?!"

Zetsu started back to his place with the other members, but stopped and looked at the casket one last time.

"...Uchiha Itachi... rot in hell, you bastard."

"**HAVE SOME RESPECT ZETSU**!"

> 

Hidan addressed his fellow Akatsuki gravely. "Well, Uchiha Itachi... what can be said about Uchiha Itachi?" He paused in his speach. "Well, he was a blind ol' shit."

Everyone waited for him to continue.

and waited...

and waited...

Hidan looked at everyone. Hidan returned to his seat.

Pein raised an eyebrow.

> 

"I'm Tobi!"

Pein stared at him.

"... I'm Tobi!"

"We know who you are, Tobi."

"Oh... I'm a good boy!"

Pein sighed. He had been to a lot of funerals. This one sucked.

"To be honest, I don't remember why I'm up here!" Tobi said.

"To pay your respects to Itachi."

Tobi looked around. "I owed him money?"

"No Tobi, he's dead."

"Who's dead?"

"Itachi."

"Itachi died?!"

Pein slapped his forehead. "Yes, he died! We're at his funeral!"

"Funeral? Who's?"

"Itachi's!"

"Itachi? I don't see him anywhere!"

"That's cause we're at his funeral!"

"Funeral? Who died?!"

"Itachi died?!"

"**YES, ITACHI DIED**!"

"Oh my God! Shouldn't we have a funeral or something?!"

"**WE'RE AT HIS FUNERAL**!"

"Who's funeral?"

"Itachi's!"

"Itachi's what?"

"Itachi's **_FUNERAL_**!"

"Itachi's holding a funeral?"

"No, **WE'RE AT HIS FUCKING FUNERAL**!!"

"Who's?"

"Itachi!"

"Itachi? What about him?"

"**HE DIED DUMB SHIT**!"

"Itachi died?! When?!?"

"Nevermind, **NEXT**!"

> 

Kisame used a tissue to wipe forming tears from his eyes. He had been listing all the things about Itachi he missed.

"And I remember how whenever I'd be swimming out in the pool... and Itachi would dip his feet in the water..." Kisame sniffled. "A-And... he'd take bits of bread... and... and he'd t-toss them into the w-water... and I'd swim up to the surface... and eat them and swim back..."

Kisame looked up to see everyone staring at him.

"... I'm not a fish!"

Everyone stared at him.

"I'm not!"

Everyone stared at him.

"Seriously!"

Everyone stared at him.

"... you guys suck." Kisame walked off angrily.

> 

Deidara looked down at the casket with a sigh. "And y'know Itachi... I regret that we didn't spend more time together... you know? I mean, we're both pretty held back guys, and I just don't feel we truly expressed our true feelings for each other..."

Deidara placed a hand on the casket. "But, maybe in death you can truly know what I felt about you." he shook his head. "I just... wished I had let you know... Itachi... I just want you to know how much I truly... truly... truly... hated you."

Deidara sighed. "Yes, Itachi, I truly did hate you. And I always did. With every living fiber in my body, I hated you. I hated you with my heart and soul. And I often thought... think... that maybe... just maybe... you... hated me too... at least, I felt you did."

Deidara burst into tears. "Oh God Itachi, I hated you so damn much! I only wanted you to hate me back!"

Everyone raised an eyebrow.

Deidara composed himself and started back to the seat. "Farewell, my hate. I hope you find peace in the next world. The peace one gets, when a firey demon eats their testicles."

Deidara bent over and gave the casket a kiss. Then, he placed each hand on the casket, and each hand gave it a kiss.

Tobi raised his little blue WTF? flag.

> 

Kakuzu looked around. "Umm... yeah, Itachi! Yeah? Helluva guy, huh? Sometimes, I'd like to think of myself as his best friend in the world."

He tugged on his collar and a bead of sweat fell down his face. "Which should justify why he left me all his wordly possesions in his will!"

Pein looked at him suspiciously. "What... will?"

Kakuzu handed him a piece of paper nervously. "Errr, I'm sure you see it's legit." He tried to grab it back, but Pein kept it out of reach as he read it.

"I leave all my shineys to Kakuzu, my bestest awesomest friend in the whole wide world! This is my will. It is not fake. It is real. Not fake; real. Real. Signed, Etachy."

Pein looked up at Kakuzu.

Kakuzu smiled nervously.

"This is fake."

"No it's not!"

"Yes, it is. First off, you wrote that it isn't fake four times. And you mispelt his name."

"Damnit!"

> 

Pein went back to the front of the room after the most disrespectful display he had seen in his life. He regarded his followers with dagger eyes.

"Since I'm the only one who seems to be taking the seriously, I'll keep it short and sweet like Itachi would have wanted."

Pein cleared his throat and put his hands behind his back, addressing his fellow Akatsuki.

"What can be said about the life of Uchiha Itachi? I can sum it up in one sentence."

He looked down momentarily at the casket before continuing. "Life sucked, then he died. Now let's bury this thing and get back to work!"

> 

End notes: I know, short. But hey, I put up two chapters at once, that's why. Again, read and review please and thanks to anyone who's kept up reading.


	6. Story Six: The Revenge

It was a dark and stormy night, which if storytelling has taught us anything means something bad is about to happen. 

The Akatsuki headquarters was well hidden, and looked to be no more than an oversized mound in the earth; most of the base being hidden underground.

And in the dark and stormy night of foreboding bad luck, the headquarters could not even be seen, except between the flashes of lightning.

Which another flash of lightning did, highlighting the outline of the base for the split second it was there before shrouding into the darkness once more.

And with it, the outline of a lone figure staring intently at the headquarters of the orginization Akatsuki.

A pair of red sharingan eyes glowed in the darkness, the only sign of someone being there before the flashes of lightning.

"Now..." the figure said to himself. "Now I shall have my revenge..."

Pein pulled at his hair in frustration. Financial issues had been hard enough when Orochimaru had run off, then Sasori had to go and get his strings all tied together. And now Itachi had to get eaten by the village idiot.

Couldn't an evil maniac catch a break everyone once in a while?

Pein kicked back in his chair with a sigh. "Did that little prick Orochimaru _really _have to take his hand with him too? At least then I could have sold the damn ring on eBay or something..."

There was a crash heard from above.

Ah, yes. And now the storm. Just when things couldn't look worse their power had cut off. And lord knows the electrical company was always slow as hell.

"If only some of those odd job guys could come by and-" Pein cut himself off, then slapped himself in the face. "Duh!"

"Zetsu, go outside and fix the power."

"What? Why me?"

"Cause I said so, that's why!"

"But I don't know anything about electricity!"

"You were the one who worked on the blind couples house!"

"Oh... I was hoping you'd forgot that..."

"Nope."

"... so I suppose this means you also remember what happened at the New Years party last year?"

"Yes."

"Like I said man, I am _so _sor-"

"_Just_, don't bring it up anymore. Please."

"I really didn't think that-"

"_Shut up _and fix the power."

Deidara took a sip of his Capri Sun and continued staring at the blank TV screen.

It was sad, really. Some people seem to lose grip on reality when they've gone more than 24 hours without television.

Hidan came in and leaned over Deidara. "Ummm... why are you staring at a blank TV?"

"What, did you steal Itachi's eyes before he died? The TV isn't blank... yeah."

Hidan stared at Deidara who stared at the blank TV intently.

"Did _you _steal Itachi's eyes before he died?"

"Shut up Hidan."

"Hey, have you seen Zetsu anywhere? I can't find him..."

"Pein made him go outside to fix the power... yeah."

"Oh. How's it going?"

There was a flash of light and a scream of pain from outside.

"Not well, I imagine."

Hidan sighed. "Then why don't you help him?"

"Dude, my favorite show is on. I'll help him when it's over!" Deidara said, pushing Hidan out of the way of the TV screen.

Hidan looked once more at the blank TV before looking at Deidara again. "You are _so _weird..."

Deidara picked up the remote as Hidan left the room and started clicking the buttons. "Damn, the sound is too low..."

Hidan stepped outside, cloaking himself with... umm... well, his cloak.

"Zetsu? Ya out here man?"

A bolt of lightning and scream of pain confirmed that yes, he was out there.

"So... how's uh, how's the power coming along?" Hidan asked.

There was another scream that sounded a little like "Suck it Hidan."

But Hidan wasn't too sure.

"Bad then?"

"_Of course it's bloody bad_! This fucking antenae is a giant lightning rod!"

"I thought we had cable?"

"... oh Goddamnit, you better be kidding..."

They were both so absorbed at throwing and dodging giant heavy objects that... they didn't notice the shadowed, red eyed form sneak inside behind them...

Kakuzu walked into the kitchen, where he saw Kisame eating some well cooked salmon.

"Oh dude, that _has _to be cannibalism."

"I'm not a fish." Kisame replied between bites.

"...Kisame, are you crying?"

"**I'M NOT A FISH**!"

"**THEN STOP EATING YOUR BROTHER**!"

"**POOR RITCHIE**!"

As Kakuzu comforted the bawling fish like non-fish fishy man, a pair of sharingan eyes lurked from the shadows on the kitchen. He quietly sneaked past them and further in the base...

Tobi -walked- skipped through the halls of the base while whistling "I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts." He stopped in front of Deidara's door and knocked enthusiastically.

"Deidaaaaaaara-sempai! Are ya in there? Helloooooooooooo?" Tobi smiled beneath his map. He loved doors. They were _so _tall, and made of a wood like substance!

"Deidara-sempai?" Tobi said again, a bit more quietly. He wanted to go inside, but the door looked so happy being closed, and he didn't want to hurt it's feelings. Finally, he said "I'm sowwy door..." And went inside.

Once he stepped in, he gave the door a tight hug and small kiss before looking around. "Deidara-sempai? Where are you?"

Tobi looked _everywhere _for Deidara. He looked on the bed. He looked in the bed. He looked underneath the bed. Why, he even looked on the bed! But Deidara was no where to be found.

Tobi sighed sadly. "Where could Deidara-sempai be?" he pouted, sitting on the bed with his arms crossed agrily. As he sat, he felt something weird beneath him. "Deidara-sempai?!" He asked excitedly, looking. But all he found was a webcam.

"Oh... just his webcam..." Tobi said sadly. His eye tracked the cord to Deidara's laptop, which was flipped up and on. Tobi went over to it, and saw a file called " raised an eyebrow. "... I didn't know Deidara-sempai was a photographer!"

Tobi eagerly double clicked the icon, excited to see beautiful artwork from Deidara. A windows media file opened of the very room Tobi was in.

"Why would Deidara-sempai take a picture of his room? It's kinda a mess!" Tobi said, then he saw movement on the video.

Deidara came into view, with "Sexy Back" by Jeremy Timbolack. Deidara was rubbing his hands over his body while moving his hips around to the beat.

Tobi lifted an eyebrow, and a confused look was hidden away underneath the mask.

Video Deidara then started slowly stripping off his cloak, then his shirt. He soon had his hands running over his bare chest, with his mouths slowly licking and sucking his nipples.

Tobi's jaw dropped. "Deidara-sempai eats himself?!"

The video continued. Soon, one of Deidara's hands moved inside his pants, and Deidara closed his eyes and started moaning while rocking his hips back and forth.

Tobi nearly shouted at the video. "No, Sempai! Don't eat your wee-wee! You need that to go potty!"

Deidara's TV watching was interupted by Tobi's piercing voice. Just the sound of it made Deidara cringe.

But _what _Tobi said confused him... at first...

"...oh... oh my God... Oh my _God_!"

Deidara ran into his room just in time to see the horror; Tobi staring at him on screen, the portion of his video where he started massaging his buttocks... and there was licking... innappropriate licking.

"Tobi!" Deidara shouted in worry. He quickly ran forward and slammed the laptop closed.

"Tobi! Are you okay?!" Deidara asked frantically.

"Deidara-sempai! Wh... wh-why were you... I don't... you... I don't understand..." Tobi stuttered, with growing tears leaking from beneath the mask.

Deidara was sweating like crazy. "Ummm... Tobi? D-Do you want to talk about what you just saw?"

Tobi looked at Deidara in confusion. "Sempai, why to my pants feel tighter?"

Oh... oh this just got much more akward...

A while later, everyone was gathered in the living room, watching Spaceballs on Mr. DVD, while drinking coffee from Mr. Coffee and monitoring the status of the base, via Mr. Radar.

Deidara was sweating.

More than usual.

And Tobi was unusually quiet.

"Are you two okay?" Pein asked.

The two only nodded. Slowly.

Pein shrugged, then went back to the movie.

"Now... now I'll have revenge!" A voice shouted out.

Everyone turned in surprise.

Itachi laughed coldly. "Surprised? I thought you would be. After all, who expects someone to come back... from someone elses ass? Oh, and from death?"

Everyone stared.

"Yes... your stunned silence is to be expected. You lost me, but now I have returned. And now..." Itachi's sharingans started spinning wildly. "Now I shall kill you all for the way you treated me!!"

Hidan just stared, then turned to Pein while pointing, and said "Am I the only one who sees a rabbit?"

Pein shook his head. "No Hidan, that is a rabbit. That is a pink rabbit, to be exact. A pink, talking rabbit."

Itachi sighed. He knew they'd bring that up. "Uhh, yeah, pink rabbit blah blah blah. You're missing the poi-"

"Oh! Oh! Can we keep him? Please?!" Tobi jumped up and down excitedly. "He can be my... my early christmas present! Please please please please _please_?!"

"Umm, I'm trying to-"

"Dude, is that really Itachi? What the fuck, I thought you said the nine tails brat ate him?"

"He did! I swear! I saw it with my own two eyes!"

"Yes, I was eaten, but if you'll-"

"He's SO soft! And cute and cuddly! Awww, and his eyes are cute as buttons! _Please _let me keep him!" Tobi was hugging Itachi the rabbit closely with a huge grin.

"Hey, put me down you-"

"We'll need some carrots now, I guess. Damn it Itachi, you're always a handful..."

"I'm not coming back to you! I'm going to _kill_-"

"Oh, I think I'll name you Pinky! Pinky the Rabbit! And we'll go swimming! And play hopscotch! And... and cuddle together at _ow_! **HE BIT ME**!"

Itachi landed on the ground. "**WILL YOU ALL SHUT UP**?!"

Everyone shut up. Except Tobi, who was running around frantically. "_**AUGH! BACTERIA! RABBIES! I NEED ANTIDOTE! ANTIDOTE**_!"

"Dude, what the hell happened to you?" Kisame asked Itachi.

Itachi scratched his long rabbit ear before answering. "It's the circle of life, bitch."

Pein raised an eyebrow. "Come again?"

Itachi sighed. "Okay, I'll explain it slowly. When people eat stuff, that stuff get's broken down and digested. Then they pass it in the form of bowel movements. The result is often called shit. The shit then get's flushed down the toilet, and dumped into the ocean. In the ocean, the shit becomes nuitrients for underwater plant life, which breaks into small bacteria eaten by very small fish, which are eaten by bigger fish, which are eaten by even bigger fish. Then those fish are eaten by bears, who once again reproduce shit. That shit is used as fertalizer for grass, which gets eaten by rabbits. And so here I am."

Pein jaw dropped. "So, you're saying you were eaten, passed, eaten again, passed again, then eaten and took over the body of your host?"

"That's exactly what I'm saying."

"You gotta be fucking kidding me..."

"Well, I'm not. And now I'm here to kill you all for all the years you mistreated me!"

"Well, we still have your old room. You can stay there. I'll by some carrots in the morning, then we'll discuss what to do with you." Pein said, walking out the door. "Maybe you can be the start of a petting zoo or something..."

"What? Wait, no, I'm not-"

"Well, I'm headin' to bed too. Goodnight Itachi."

"Good night Itachi-san."

"Nighty Night Pinky!"

Everyone left for bed, leaving Itachi alone and bewildered.

"... I hate you guys..."

Sorry for a long wait on an update. I've been busy (code for lazy)  
Hope you all enjoy this chapter! Please read and review


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